Today I learned the following:
1) it’s never a good idea to ride New Jersey Transit sans caffeine. Ever.
2) I need to channel my inner Dr. House less frequently while on mass transit. I’m sure there’s a good reason why it’s necessary for that guy to blast Pitbull in the train car while everyone else looks on in anger….and I’m sure there’s a solid rationale for that guy in the corner not covering his face when sneezing, resulting in his nose doing a great impression of a Windex bottle….and there must be a sound cause for…..OH SCREW IT – THE DOCTOR WILL SEE YOU NOW.
3) When cornered by a Scientologist in a locale that doesn’t easily promote an opportune exit, just nod a lot as he/she exclaims the simple fact that Dianetics will change your life. That L Ron Hubbard was God. And that holding two beer cans in your hands attached to a metal box by a string will provide me with clarity as to my own internal strife. OH SCREW IT – THE DOC MADE A HOUSECALL HERE TOO. (I couldn’t resist).
SD (Scientologist Dude): “…and if you give me a few minutes of your time, I can help audit you and we can determine together how best to right the ship…”
That was my cue.
Me: “OK Sparky – hear me out. Dianetics – a fun little science fiction novel. Read it for shits & giggles back in college. It reads like space-aged Dungeons & Dragons, and I was a childhood nerd – so two snaps in Z formation for ya. But L Ron Hubbard wasn’t God. How do I know this? Because I chat with the Head Hombre daily, and I know that He would never chill here on Earth dressed like the Skipper from Gilligan’s Island. Juuuust sayin’. And the whole “here – hold these beer cans while I audit you” thing – well unless you fill those cans with Heineken, you won’t have my attention for more than 4.8 seconds. But thanks for the entertainment.”
Some woman just simply stared at me as my inner Dr. House made this latest appearance. As I turned to exit the train, she just…..kept….staring. As if my hair had just caught fire. So I momentarily looked at her and added “…and THAT’S how we roll in The Shire.”
…..that got some dude in the row nearest the door to shoot coffee from his nose like a caffeine breathing hydra.
My work here is done.