August 2nd 2018: Let The Crankiness Begin

So as I mentioned yesterday, I’ve decided to finally attack my weight issue once and for all.  I needed to address this, because I’ve become sluggish, unfocused and my performance is way off.  I’ve grown tired of spinning my wheels and seeing minimal gains (if any at all) from my training. Enough is enough.

I’ve tried the weight loss thing before – and I’ve never had any luck.  So why is this time going to be different?  Because I’m not doing it alone.  A few friends are going to go through this insanity with me.  We are scattered all over the country, which is a good thing…because I think we will all be extremely cranky as the weeks slog on.

I made the decision to attack this issue on July 20th.  That morning, I took myself to the gym and did something that enjoy about as much as a root canal sans Novocaine: I stepped on the digital scale.  Just to make this a more “fun” experience, my gym’s scale in the mens locker room includes sound effects.  Seriously.  You read that right: sound effects.  I stepped onto the scale, and the numbers began to flicker and role as if I was on some sort of game show.  The scale began to beep and squawk as if it was R2-D2 on an acid trip.  Finally, the numbers stopped rolling, and then…..a “TADA!”

No.  I am not kidding.  “TADA!”

So here’s the thing: when magicians make that “Tada!” noise, it’s usually followed by something awesome.  Know what I mean?  Like a rabbit being yanked out of a hat, or a coin being pulled from behind a kid’s ear.  But the number that darn thing showed me on July 20th wasn’t magical at all.  I was the heaviest I have ever been in my life.  to say I was shocked was an understatement.  I immediately promised myself that real change was going to happen.  So I began to limit my caloric intake significantly and drink water during the day when moments of hunger hit me.

Each of us weighed ourselves yesterday…and it turns out that I dropped 13 pounds in 11 days.  I was blown away.  Since our weight loss project only began yesterday, those pounds don’t count in the “scoring” (if you want to call it that); however, knowing that I can do this when I put my mind to it gives me hope that this month – with a group of like-minded cohorts – I’ll see some real success.


August 1st 2018: This Is Gonna Suck.

Some smart philosophical dude once said “the journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step”.  Let’s face it though: taking that first step isn’t the easiest thing to do in the world.  Whenever I know that I need to address an issue, my first reaction is to procrastinate.  If I had to draw up a logo that directly reflects my personality, it would be an ostrich with his head buried in the sand.  Something like this:


It takes me a while to yank my abnormally rotund cranium from the dirt – but when I do, I can come up with some really interesting ways of addressing my shortcomings.  For example: as a kid, I grew up on an island in The Bronx, New York.  I spent a ton of time on the water….yet I was constantly afraid of drowning.  Go figure.  And what’s more – I loved to swim.  I’d have nightmares of being underwater and not being able to reach the surface.  My breathing with would get more and more difficult, and I’d wake up gasping for air.  So I stuck my head in the sand for a long time, until I finally decided to attack the problem by learning how to scuba dive.  Here’s another example: I was afraid of speaking in public for a very long time – so I attacked the issue after a prolonged battle with my own desire to remain stuck in neutral by taking stand up comedy lessons in New York City.  Once you do 8 minutes of rather bland observational humor in front of 300 drunken tourists from eastern Europe, speaking to a small group of your peers isn’t quite as challenging.  So it may take me a while to address a problem / weakness, but when I do it’s usually an unusual remedy that’s pulled from my rather lite bag of tricks.

Well there was another weakness that I needed to address, and it’s one that I’e carried with me for most of my adult life.  There is basically more of me than there should be.  I’m carrying way too much excess weight, and it has affected my energy level, my workout performance, and increased my WhatTheFractor (“WTF”).  Never heard of the WTF?  That’s because I just made it up.  If you feel like doing the math, have at it:


(168 – (7s+5w+6t+5c+7m+7v)) /7 = WTF

So for those of you playing the home game and love The Big Bang Theory, let’s walk through this theorem:

168 (the total number of hours in a week) 

minus the sum of the total hours each week that I spend Sleeping, Working, Training, Commuting, enjoying Meals, Vegging out (decompressing after tough days)

divide that total by the days of the week

THAT’s my WTF.  

So check this out – here’s my WTF calculation, where S=8, W=9, T=1.5, C=1.5, M=2, and V=2:

(168-(56+45+9+7.5+14+14)) / 7 = 3.214

Therefore, my WTF is 3.214.  That means that I cannot account for 3.2 hours of each day, on average.  That’s got me saying…..WTF?  Where the heck is Dr. Sheldon Cooper when I need him?


So in order to attack my weight issue and lower my WTF, I’ve begun a weight loss program that has a strong support system.  Progress will be slow and steady…and the necessary changes that must occur will truly and completely and most righteously sucketh.  But like my fears of drowning and speaking in public, the fear of remaining unhealthy looms over me and has made me pull my head once again from the sand.

I’m embarrassed by my starting weight.  I truly am. And I’m going to post updates on here throughout the weeks ahead.