January 7, 2023

Studying for my WSET level 2 exam made me think about how I’d like to put my qualifications to use in my second career. After I retire from the investment management industry, I can see myself working behind the bar at a quality establishment in Orange County. And I can also see, already developing in my rather dense brain, a few rules I’ll bring with me to whatever locale I wind up serving.

Rule #1: If you’re a guy and you you walk into my establishment wearing a hat, take it off before you sit down. This rule is non-negotiable. Period.

Rule #2: If you are a gentleman, and you show up to a place where I’m tending bar with a lady, have the manners to pull her chair out for her. If you don’t, I’m serving you cranberry & club soda all night. I cannot believe I need to have this as a damn rule – but after what I’ve been witnessing lately in local restaurants, apparently common respect and manner has been collectively flushed right down the gabinetto.

Rule #3: If you’re a gentleman, and you show up to any restaurant where I’m tending, and you are with a female companion, help her off with her coat. Again – why the hell do I need to write this one up as a rule? This should be engrained already – but apparently it isn’t. The penalty for swinging and missing on this one is a limited menu of Zima or Old English.

Rule #4: If you order bourbon, and then ask for a straw….i reserve the right to slug you in the nads, Steven Segal style. (and yes – i just saw this happen at a bar earlier today…) (the bourbon thing – not the Steven Seagal reaction thingy…)

Rule #5: If you order a good bottle of red wine – one that is absolutely lights out – and then ask for it “on the rocks”, it is within my bandwidth of rights to absolutely go batshit and make a scene the likes of which were last seen about 43 minutes in to the film “Old School”.

Rule #6: Merlot = No Go.

Rule #7: Everything tastes better in a tiki glass. If you disagree, you are wrong. This is a perfect instance of the customer NOT always being right. Boom. That just happened.

Rule #8: I dare you to order Frangelico on my watch. I double dog dare ya. I’ll go full Terry Tate.

So far I only have 8….. so what should be Rule #9? 10? Share your thoughts in the comments!